Tonight is the night before I begin my 5-day treatment with Cladribine. I’m with mixed emotions of nervousness, anticipation, the feeling of helplessness and sadness. Why do I have to go through this? What did I do wrong to get this (the real answer: nothing)?
What I’ve been told the Cladribine will do, is essentially kill all the blood cells in my body. Currently, my platelets and white blood cell counts are low, but I’ve been forewarned my red blood cells will go down as well.
After I have a feeble attempt at sleep (mindlessly scrolling through FaceBook, searching “chemotherapy” and things to expect during treatment), I decided to head back to the computer and write, where I feel I can put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words much better than I can speaking them. This, is my outlet. The place I need to escape from what is in my head and put it into a way my husband, family, friends and strangers can all see how and where I am.
I’m not one to keep to myself or not talk about what has been going on. The only time I was not upfront with people is while I truly did not know what was going on with my treatment myself. I should have started this site as I began the journey, but at the beginning, I had no idea what journey I was on or where it would take me.
I also spoke to a friend, who has a friend that recently went through hairy cell leukemia today. After speaking to him and his treatment (in-patient, at the hospital for 1-week continuous drip IV) made me question if my plan was the right one (in-patient was never discussed!). He mentioned the nausea, fatigue, depression afterwards, survivors guilt and more. Some I had been made aware of by reading “When Your Life Is Touched by Cancer” by Bob Riter, and others were new to me. If you were recently diagnosed or someone close to you or you just want to understand better what someone is going through, I highly recommend this book. A random choice from the library turned to be a voice of reason during the process.